


vive

by GreenPencil



Series: it's projecting onto the avengers time [2]
Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Depression, Dissociation, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Not Canon Compliant, Out of Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Idealization, im serious the parents are hinted at not Being It and theyre p good in canon, kind of? idk its just Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:28:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26632108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenPencil/pseuds/GreenPencil
Summary: "He doesn’t know why he's thinking about death. He doesn’t know why his mind is trying to tell him it's a good idea, to just stop existing. He stops patrolling and he misses it but he can’t bring himself to do anything. He feels so dead already and he hasn’t even tried anything. He won’t. He won’t, because there are people that need him and that’d be selfish. He won’t, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it."or: miles is sad and has been thinking about death just a bit too much
Relationships: Harley Keener & Miles Morales, Miles Morales & Harry Osborn, Miles Morales & Peter Parker, but not really its mostly just sad
Series: it's projecting onto the avengers time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728913
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	vive

**Author's Note:**

> this is sad im sorry its mostly just bc ive been sad 
> 
> i didnt proofread so hopefully this isnt terrible 
> 
> uhhh, enjoy, please read tags, dont read if thisll trigger anything bros and please do not be like miles, if you feel like this, please tell a trusted adult, it DOES matter and it is NOT fine

It is a week or so before he finally says something, and even then he wonders if it’s not too early, because thinking about dying used to be a constant and so he’s fine. If he knew  _ why _ he’d been thinking about death, he would go straight to the source and crush it. 

He doesn’t know why he's thinking about death. He doesn’t know why his mind is trying to tell him it's a good idea, to just stop existing. He stops patrolling and he misses it but he can’t bring himself to do anything. He feels so dead already and he hasn’t even tried anything. He won’t. He won’t, because there are people that need him and that’d be selfish. He won’t, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about it. 

Because he does, oh god he does, so much and he’s so tempted, he doesn’t know if he’s existing anyways, he wants to just- 

So his thoughts spiral. So he texts someone (not someone, Peter and Harley and Harry in the group chat they have, he loves them, they love him, he doesn’t know why his mind won’t remind him of that when it’s telling him to die) and he mentions offhandedly how he’s been thinking about death and all three of them practically jump to tell him they get it, but don’t do that, and you deserve better than your mind, and I’m here if you need anything and so he doesn’t bring it up again. Because he  _ knows _ they would and he doesn’t want to worry them. 

He spends his days falling behind in classes, trying to keep up but feeling no motivation for anything and half the day he’s not even really present, which kind of sucks. But not really, he guesses, because he’s always known he doesn’t exist. He spends his nights pretending he’s not crying and staring out at the city that needs him, the city he’s abandoned. 

It’s when he starts spending his time crying because he wants to be dead (no he doesn’t, his mind is trying to tell him he does,  _ he _ doesn’t want to be dead, he doesn’t know what he wants, he can’t think half the time because it’s always about dying, why is it always about dying?) or feeling so anxious he wants to scream or just not there that he knows he should probably say something, to an adult or something. But when he considers it, he’ll blink and behind his eyelids he can see the disappointment on his parents’s faces, hear the yell in his mother’s voice and he stops that thought in its tracks. 

It’s fine. It’s whatever, he’s fine.

(It’s not, because he sees the pocket knife that he’s always kept on his bedside table - the one he never moved which he probably should’ve, probably should - and he thinks of how easy it is to cut through his flesh. He doesn’t relapse. He just buries his face into his pillow and pretends like he knows nothing.)

He keeps going, bickering back and forth with people he cares about and he doesn’t let them know he’s still thinking about dying and still wanting to because it doesn’t really matter much at all. 

Then his mom gets mad, because his grades are falling, and she isn’t even mad like she usually is, he should be happy because he can perfectly picture the way she’s screamed because of her frustrations with him and the way his ears rang. This is fine, it’s not that bad, she’s just upset because his grades look ugly (but not all of them,  _ why _ can’t she be happy about the classes he’s good at, he was so proud of those grades) and he objected to doing the dishes. 

It really  _ is _ fine, so he doesn’t know why, afterwards, he can’t bring himself to respond to anything. It’s not like he’s distracting himself trying to bring up his grades - although he is trying, because if he isn’t going to die, he might as well be worth something - or whatever, it’s just that he sees his phone ring with notifications but he can’t bring himself to look at them. He knows it’s been a couple days, knows someone is probably worried, but he really can’t care. He can’t feel and he doesn’t even feel enough to be upset about it. He’s just blank, thinking of death and staring at the unread texts. 

He knows people need him, both personally and as a superhero. But he doesn’t feel enough to do anything about it. He barely exists during class, unless anxiety is bringing up a hand to choke him. He’s been so anxious lately. Anxious and sad. Or nothing. He doesn’t know which he prefers. 

His math teacher, who likes him because he answers, like, every question in there, asks him how he’s doing and he shrugs. He mumbles under his breath, says, “Soy vivo.” It’s true, all he is right now is alive, not that he needs her to worry. So for her he says he’s fine. She’s unconvinced but he leaves anyway. The bell rang, it’s after class. He doesn’t have to stay and so he doesn’t, and so he floats down the halls like a ghost. But ghosts would draw attention. He guesses he floats more like he’s not even there. It’s fine. 

He thinks at home he’s probably good at pretending he’s okay, because nobody else ever asks him if he’s okay. He’s glad. He doesn’t know how to lie, not really, and it matters to lie if his mom or dad asked. Which they don’t. So he keeps pretending. He acts like he doesn’t wonder if they just don’t care he’s clearly not okay. They never have before. But this time, they probably just don’t notice. It’s fine. It’s not like he’ll act on the wanting to die.

(But he wants to. When he’s lying in bed and his mind is saying how he’s not worth anything, especially with his grades dropping and he’s just dramatic and selfish, he wants to die. His mind tells him that’s good, that, yes, if he died the thoughts would stop. So he should die, because he hates himself so much, so why bother to make it better? Why bother to try to fix himself? Dying is the easiest solution and it benefits everyone around him he burdens. He ignores the thoughts and tells himself that it’s fine. Because it is. The thoughts aren’t true. He’s not completely bad.)

He doesn’t know how to exist anymore. He doesn’t know how to be, how to stop wanting to die. He stares at his phone after school and thinks maybe he’ll respond tomorrow. Maybe he’ll be more alive then, more okay and his fingers will be light enough to click on the notification and even show him what they’ve said.

But for right then, he just wants to cease to exist - although he won’t actively try to - and so he sneaks out and he finds an empty wall and he sprays it down with paint, because it’s all he still knows how to do.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading and stay safe yall <3


End file.
